Winter 2021 - The Nutrient We All Need This Holiday
I was thinking about what I felt like writing to you right now; the conversations I’ve been having on repeat in clinic, and the wishes I have for all of you at this time. The one topic that kept coming to my mind was joy.
Many in my community are struggling right now. It is a tough combination of 20+ months in a global pandemic, in combination with the harsh realities of the climate crisis, racial reckoning, the holiday season, and the natural cycle of life / birth / death / connections / breakdowns, etc. It has resulted in a perfect storm (pun not intended) of hard times for many. If I could wave my magic wand and take away all the hurt, let me tell you, I would not hesitate. Instead, I’d like to give some thoughts on a helpful simple tool that can be of assistance.
Throughout all of this hardship, I continuously come back to the concept of joy. Joy in the biggest and littlest sense of the word. Many times lately, I have witnessed a difficulty accessing joy (both personally, and in those around me). As researcher Dr. Brené Brown says ‘joylessness is a pandemic right now’, and I agree. It has become clear, that passively assuming joy will show up right now is unlikely. However, I believe that joy can absolutely be an intentional practice, even in the face of so much adversity. I would even go further and agree with the notion that joy, is in fact a radical, and necessary act, and a needed antidote to this period.
What is Joy? There are various definitions out there. The Oxford dictionary defines it as: ‘a feeling of great happiness’. Based on her 20 years of research, Dr. Brené Brown defines joy as ‘an intense feeling of deep spiritual connection, pleasure, and appreciation.’ Researcher Matthew Kuan Johnson says that while experiencing joy, we don’t lose ourselves, we become more truly ourselves. Sounds pretty amazing right now if you ask me!
Is it the same as happiness? From the Book of Joy, authors Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama describe happiness as superficial and fleeting, while joy includes meaning and connection. The authors go on to classify the pillars of joy including: Perspective, Humility, Humour, Acceptance, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Compassion, and Generosity. Many descriptions of joy that I read suggest it is more internal, and is regardless of circumstance, versus happiness, which is more external, and based on immediate circumstance.
How does joy connect with gratitude? The two are inextricably linked. In fact actively practicing gratitude is a known vessel to access more joy. We have all heard lots about gratitude practices, and I often recommend them. Fun fact, neuroscientist Antonio Demasio found evidence that the most effective way to benefit from a gratitude practice is to actually receive thanks, versus just expressing thanks (as we have often heard). Examples include reading a letter of gratitude from a friend or family member, or even hearing a story from a stranger describing authentic gratitude for someone else’s support. We feel joy through the narrative of gratitude in story form. Whichever approach you take, weaving gratitude into our routines is definitely a stepping stone to joy.
Why do I feel fearful to allow in joy? If this is familiar, you are not alone. Again from the work of Dr. Brené Brown (aka powerhouse of knowledge on this topic) this is known as foreboding joy. She names joy as one of the most vulnerable emotions, even more than jealousy, fear of rejection, shame, etc. Foreboding joy is when we feel afraid to lean into joy because it opens up our risk of it getting snatched away (FYI this is particularly common in parents). In my opinion, naming this tendency is key, and noticing it as it comes up is helpful. Regardless, let me remind you that joy is like an essential nutrient for life, and we are dangerously low on it. It can be scary, but keep trying.
I have always felt that the ‘holiday season’ does not equate to an actual holiday for most. It sometimes includes family time or potentially travel. It often brings up pressure, and almost universally involves stress (especially with this ever changing tide of rules and regulations). Instead of a holiday, I’ve lowered my own expectation by referring to it as a ‘change in pace’. It is a time where the routine shifts (and sometimes the scenery), but it is not per se a holiday. All too often my patients come off the ‘holiday season’ feeling like now they need a vacation. This feels unacceptable. Why are we putting ourselves last on the list? This year of all years, let’s disrupt this idea. How? Through joy.
Let me ask you: When was the last time you thought about your own joy? Do you actually know what brings you joy? It turns out: Joy is individual. You might be thinking that your joy comes in the form of an all expenses paid beach vacation (which may or may not be in the cards right now). But don’t forget there are mini versions of joy too. I urge you to pause this season, figure out what brings you joy, and put it on top of your to do list. Even if it is the slightest or silliest thing, like sliding into pajamas fresh from the dryer on a cold damp day, it doesn’t matter, just do it. I think it is a collection of joyful moments that can really balance out the harsh realities of life during difficult times.
Some of my personal favorite joy triggers for the season will be sipping on a hot matcha in the morning, watching my son play with my dog, gazing at something in nature (a tree / garden / water), having a kitchen dance party (even solo), cooking something from scratch, and catching up with a friend. Simple right? There’s no reason I can’t do all of these things. And now that I have taken the time to collect this list, I am hoping it helps me carve time to prioritize them into my schedule, and then to pause and be truly present when these moments come along. Of course joy can be experienced in dramatic ways, but I want to remind you that it is also found in the tinniest ways. Let’s all figure out a way to pepper more of it into the end of this year. Make your list today, and block time for it before the year is out. It will not take away all of our woes, but it will surely shift things enough to make the positive impact that we all need right now.
In joy,
Dr. Stephanie Peltz, ND